Questions I wish I could ask the Pedophile in My Life.

There are so many questions that come to mind when someone tells me that they watched child porn. Unfortunately I've come to realize, it would be very rude to ask such personal questions to a stranger, and once you get to know a person well enough that it might be ok to ask, thats when you have to worry about souring a friendship. If you ask something the wrong way or just ask the wrong question, then you sound accusatory rather than curious. And even if you can avoid sounding accusatory then there really is no guarantee that they are telling you the truth. Lets be honest, people know the "correct" answer to a question, even if its not the real answer. Thats like when a therapist asks you if you plan to kill yourself, you always say "no" otherwise you wind up spending your weekend on suicide watch at the local hospital. If the person you're asking wants you to view them in a positive light, then it would be too easy for them to give you the answer you want to hear rather than being honest.
So what would I ask a pedophile, if it wouldn't be considered rude to ask and if I could guarantee an honest answer? (Or, more accurately, what would I ask my husband if it wouldn't make me sound unsupportive and if I could actually trust him to give me a truthful answer?)

1. How do you feel about the fact that actual children were abused in order to make the porn you enjoyed watching?
2. How do you know that fantasy wouldn't eventually lead to reality? How do you know that you would have never acted on it? I've had plenty of fantasizes I haven't acted on....but also many that I have in fact acted on. 
3. Where is the boundary line? Is watching child porn as far as it goes, or do you see nothing wrong with fantasizing about children you know in real life? Our children? Our friends' children?
4. Would you ever touch a child if they seemed willing? Or if a young, confused teen tried to seduce you? If that confused teen was a friend of our children? If that confused teen was our own child?
5. How would you feel if years from now our daughter knew what you were watching, knew that you fantasized about being with a daughter/daughter-figure? How do you explain that to her? How do you react when she wonders whether or not you want to have sex with her?
6. How would you feel if someone else acted on a similar fantasy with our daughter? If at 11 years old, her friend's dad or a team coach found a way to take her aside and rape her? Maybe even trick her into thinking she wanted it?
7. How do you feel knowing that I was raped as child? What makes the girls in the videos you watched any different from me? If someone had video taped my father raping me, would that video have aroused you?

A Place Out In Cyber Space, Where I Belong

I won't bother wasting time with every site I tried but here are just a few highlights of my attempts (failed and successful) to reach out to the wives of other troubled men.

Porn Addiction Info forum proved to be supportive but had very little traffic. Many of the women on there seem jaded from loving addicts who time and time again lied and held their addictions at higher priority than their own marriages and families. A couple of the success stories were inspiring but they seemed to be mostly focused on adult porn usage, not illegal porn. Still, one members account of being 3 years clean was heartwarming to read.

Truth About Deception was also a site full of compassionate persons but the only support I would receive there was conditional. To quote the initial responses to my intro post, "RUN!!! RUN!!! RUN!!!" "Please please please, take you children away from this man." "get he hell out of there now!"
The response I found the most offensive, "there is nothing more I HATE in life is a pedophile." A statement followed by a story of a personal violent attack on a man who victimized a girl in his family.
And finally, a response which is basically spells out my deepest fears, verbatim, "he ACTED a good husband and ACTED a good father. He has shown in many ways that it was all just an ACT: constant lying about important and meaningless stuff, drugs, chasing other women and child-porn (children were abused in order to make it!). Of course he is on his best behaviour at the moment. He has EVERY reason to be on his best behaviour. It still remains an ACT! One big LIE!"


Talk About Marriage was by far the worst response. I was accused of being a troll. I was blasted as being a horrible mother, a danger to my children. My husband was called out as a sexual deviant and an animal who could not be cured, social isolation was the only option.
Two women took pity on me. One sent me a private message telling me a very personal, very chilling story about her ex husband....and so much of her story sounded just like my own. She apparently thought she could control him, contain him. Could protect their children from him. But she was wrong. Again, another woman telling me my own worst fears.


In exasperation I wrote out a confession on Scary Mommy stating "Its estimated that 50-60% of pedophiles are married with children....so why do I feel like the only woman in the world who discovered her husband's secret shame? There must be others out there....but where?" and my confession received 4 OMG, Me Too!'s
I cautiously created an account and [without saying that I planned to stay married to Mike] I asked for the other women to please step forward, private message me or respond on the thread. No private messages but I was called "brave" by several women and then told a few heart-breaking stories of ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands who raped, molested, etc..
I had a feeling they wouldn't think I was so "brave" if they knew I wasn't divorcing him. I decided it was best not to upset them (nor myself) any further by trying to talk to them about it.


Then a break through. The second woman who had been so kind to me on Talk About Marriage referred me to another site which she said would have more like-minded persons. She didn't tell me much about her personal story. Just that her husband was a sex offender for some time and that his ten years on the list was up.
I created an account and I'm so glad I did. The only way to view the sub-forum "Loving a Sex Offender" is if you have an account so there is less judgement. People there are there for the same reasons. I think I finally found a place out in cyber space, where I belong.

Demonized and Accepted

Since the day I found the child porn, I have felt utterly and completely alone. The more I reach out, the more I am punished.
It started with a friend who just wouldn't answer her phone and didn't call me back.
Then there was his co-workers and the police. People saying, "call if you need anything" then disappearing, never to be heard from again, many without leaving a contact number. Others who promised to call/visit me but then....never to be heard from again. I was desperately lonely but the only person who wasn't avoiding me was Mike.
Mike who I had arrested. Mike whose career I had ruined by outing him for child porn. Mike who I had screamed horrid things at over the phone. Mike who I accused of wanting to rape our own daughter.  Mike, the monster.
The monster was kinder to me than all those people who promised to help. The monster was nicer to me than the police and case workers who were supposed to help. The monster, who I had been so cruel to, was still loving to me. The monster wanted to take care of me.
I was reminded of why I married him in the first place. Reminded of the man rather than the monster. I wondered if perhaps there was a way to salvage our marriage, our family. I announced my intentions to stay with Mike.
Soon enough, I went from being avoided to being demonized. The friend who wouldn't answer her phone finally emailed to say, [paraphrased short version] "Mike is a pedophile, he's probably raped your kids, so your kids will act out sexually, and I don't want my daughter exposed to that." It was only a matter of time before others followed suit in the demonizing. I was told by two separate friends that by staying with Mike, I was essentially selling my daughter into sexual slavery. I braced myself for the backlash of my choices. I expected what little support network I had to disintegrate swiftly and fully. 
Some people surprised me. A small handful of close friends, who I was terrified would disappear, stuck around. They told me I was strong, even though I didn't feel strong. They said they didn't understand but they supported me. These friends were few and far between but I loved and appreciated every one of them.
Still, there was no one who had 'been there, done that.' No wise older friend with both knowledge and personal experience to back it up. No one to advise me on all the unknown I was facing.
I posted a few days ago, my quest to find a forum or online community. I figured that there had to be someone out there, if I just looked hard enough.
After I failed to find support on about a dozen various sites, a break through. One woman who defended me against a cyber mob, referred me to a place I might find hope. I created an account. Told my story, yet again. And the response was....over whelming compassion. Support. Finally, acceptance.

The day my marriage died.

I was alone when I found it. Well, nearly alone. It was early in the morning, I was cuddled up in bed, nursing my daughter when I reached for the laptop. And there it was on the screen.

12 year old loves Daddy

15 year old step daughter, drugged

13 year old brother fucks 11 year old sister

10 year old drunk

I froze. What was I looking at? I felt as if I fell through a worm hole the moment I opened the laptop, and came through on the other side, in an alternative universe. A universe where my husband, the man who I trusted strongly enough to make the center of my whole world, was searching for and downloading "daddy, daughter, pthc."

PTHC? What the hell was PTHC?! I feverishly pulled up google and typed it in. Urban dictionary. PreTeen HardCore. PreTeen? Like, as in, children? Pre-pubescent?

I moved across an ocean, gave up my friends, my home, my career, my entire life...to be married to a man who watches children being raped? Daddy daughter. He wanted to watch fathers raping their own daughters? What if it wasn't just watching? What if he wanted to rape our daughter? What if he already masturbated to the thought of touching her? What if he touched her already and I just didn't know it?

I had been lied to. I was married to a stranger. The father of my children was a monster.

I pictured my daughter 20 years into the future feeling the same worthlessness and self loathing that I feel every day when I think of my own father touching me.

How could he do this to me? My husband was, besides my own grandfather, the only man I've ever trusted. And he used me. He lied to me. He manipulated me. What if the only reason he married me was so I'd give him a daughter? What if I was just a means to raise his own victim? What if my whole life was a lie? What if....

Reaching Out

I've decided to reach out and join several online forums regarding the issues my husband and I currently find ourselves in. I remember a few months back I was a frequent lurker on a forum about compulsive lying. I also found a forum last week for porn addicts and their partners.
I still need to find an appropriate forum to get ideas and information regarding Mike's drug usage.

Its is my hope that by finding and joining these online communities which are relevant to my husband's recovery process, I will be able to read the success stories of wives who've been where I am now and hear the invaluable words of advice from someone who has made it through to the other side. I'm also hoping to remind myself that I'm not alone in my struggle.

It is estimated that about 50-60% of pedophiles are married with children. And I know that porn addiction and drug addiction are rampant in our society. There must be others who understand my pain. Others who can give me hope for a better future for my family.

Urge Control Contract

Through www.healingwives.com I found a link to this Urge Control Contract.
I had been thinking for quite some time beforehand that if we were going to make this work, then we'd have to draw boundary lines. Set clear expectations for behavior on both our parts. I mentioned the Urge Control Contract to my husband, Mike, to see he thought we could draw up something similar for ourselves. Mike agreed it seemed like a good idea. Together, this is what we came up with:


"Mike's Agreements
If and when I get a strong fantasy, thought, or urge to watch porn featuring adults and/or minors, take illegal drugs and/or prescription drugs which are not mine, or drink in excess, I will instead go outside, get a breath of fresh air, and, in general, take a break.
Then I will think over the following:
A slip or lapse is not unusual, it does not mean I have failed, or lost control of myself. And, especially, it does not mean I have to follow through on my impulse.
I may be feeling guilty or scared or blaming myself about my sexual fantasy, thought or urge. That is normal. I can get past those feelings. I do not have to give in to them. I do not have to label myself as out-of-control. I DO NOT have to give into my impulses.
I will think of this slip as a learning experience. I will examine closely my life and what has possibly triggered this impulse. What has been happening that led up to this slip? How can I cope with the stress? What can I use what I have learned in therapy to help me cope? Who will I call and talk to?
If I am still having trouble handling this urge, thought, or fantasy, I will call my wife or my best friend.
REMEMBER: AN IMPULSE DOES NOT MAKE ME OUT-OF-CONTROL! I AM IN CONTROL!
I understand that violation of this impulse control contract will result in the loss of computer priviledges for a period of time to be decided by my wife, Nicole. I also understand that violating this impulse control contract will cause invaluable loss of  Nicole's trust in me, and may possibly lead to divorce and the loss of my children should my infraction(s) be severe or frequent.
I have read and contributed to this impulse control contract. I have understood its contents and agree to abide by them.


"Nicole's Agreements
I understand that my husband, Mike, is not a perfect man. I understand that his poor impulses, sexual urges, and drug usage as come to be his natural coping mechanism after years of abuse and neglect. Even though these behaviors may be his natural urges, I refuse to accept dangerous behaviors in my home, my family, and my marriage. I agree that if and when my husband comes to me to discuss an impulse he has had or is having, I will not judge him for his impulses. I will remember that the imperfect person before me is the man I love, and that he has been judged and hurt by others in his life. I will be his safe place. I will help him to develop new, healthier coping skills. Together we will face his addictions and dangerous behaviors, and together we will overcome them. I understand that this will be a long and difficult process, as these impulses have taken half a lifetime to develop, they will not go away overnight. I understand that failing to show love and compassion to Mike throughout his process will cause him to not feel safe with me. I understand that lack of feeling safe within our marriage will only further stress, upset, and trigger him to relapse. 


"Mike and Nicole's Joint Agreements
We both agree to keep the lines of communication open. We both agree that the first week of every month we will re-read this contract together and alter our agreements as necessary. If agreements do not need to be altered, we will still read this contract simply to keep the agreements fresh in our minds and remind ourselves of why we are doing this."

Our personal Urge Control Contract (^above) is something we both contributed to, something that fits our situation and our personalities well. These statements and agreements may not fit all who find themselves in our shoes, however its what we agree will work best for us.

Introduction

I am a mother of two and recently discovered my husband's secret shame. Porn addiction (including both adult and child pornography), drugs, internet stalking, compulsive spending, and a compulsion to lie.

After having my husband, Mike, arrested and starting the process to divorce, I couldn't shake the feeling that there might be another way. He had always been an amazing father, and never inappropriate with our children. Looking back, all of our marital problems seemed to be centered in his secret shames. Besides the things directly caused by his secrets, we were always a great couple. I wanted to stay, but at the same time I knew we could never be a normal family. He could never be trusted alone with our children, never be trusted to spend money responsibly, never be trusted to spend his time online wisely. Mike swore regret, self loathing, a desire to change. I decided to make this promise to my husband, if he truly wanted to get help and be a healthier person, then I would find a way to make things work.

Thats where I am now: walking the fine line between being married to a troubled man, and protecting each  individual member of our family (including my husband) from his dangerous impulses.