The day my marriage died.

I was alone when I found it. Well, nearly alone. It was early in the morning, I was cuddled up in bed, nursing my daughter when I reached for the laptop. And there it was on the screen.

12 year old loves Daddy

15 year old step daughter, drugged

13 year old brother fucks 11 year old sister

10 year old drunk

I froze. What was I looking at? I felt as if I fell through a worm hole the moment I opened the laptop, and came through on the other side, in an alternative universe. A universe where my husband, the man who I trusted strongly enough to make the center of my whole world, was searching for and downloading "daddy, daughter, pthc."

PTHC? What the hell was PTHC?! I feverishly pulled up google and typed it in. Urban dictionary. PreTeen HardCore. PreTeen? Like, as in, children? Pre-pubescent?

I moved across an ocean, gave up my friends, my home, my career, my entire life...to be married to a man who watches children being raped? Daddy daughter. He wanted to watch fathers raping their own daughters? What if it wasn't just watching? What if he wanted to rape our daughter? What if he already masturbated to the thought of touching her? What if he touched her already and I just didn't know it?

I had been lied to. I was married to a stranger. The father of my children was a monster.

I pictured my daughter 20 years into the future feeling the same worthlessness and self loathing that I feel every day when I think of my own father touching me.

How could he do this to me? My husband was, besides my own grandfather, the only man I've ever trusted. And he used me. He lied to me. He manipulated me. What if the only reason he married me was so I'd give him a daughter? What if I was just a means to raise his own victim? What if my whole life was a lie? What if....