I won't bother wasting time with every site I tried but here are just a few highlights of my attempts (failed and successful) to reach out to the wives of other troubled men.
Porn Addiction Info forum proved to be supportive but had very little traffic. Many of the women on there seem jaded from loving addicts who time and time again lied and held their addictions at higher priority than their own marriages and families. A couple of the success stories were inspiring but they seemed to be mostly focused on adult porn usage, not illegal porn. Still, one members account of being 3 years clean was heartwarming to read.
Truth About Deception was also a site full of compassionate persons but the only support I would receive there was conditional. To quote the initial responses to my intro post, "RUN!!! RUN!!! RUN!!!" "Please please please, take you children away from this man." "get he hell out of there now!"
The response I found the most offensive, "there is nothing more I HATE in life is a pedophile." A statement followed by a story of a personal violent attack on a man who victimized a girl in his family.
And finally, a response which is basically spells out my deepest fears, verbatim, "he ACTED a good husband and ACTED a good father. He has shown in many ways that it was all just an ACT: constant lying about important and meaningless stuff, drugs, chasing other women and child-porn (children were abused in order to make it!). Of course he is on his best behaviour at the moment. He has EVERY reason to be on his best behaviour. It still remains an ACT! One big LIE!"
Talk About Marriage was by far the worst response. I was accused of being a troll. I was blasted as being a horrible mother, a danger to my children. My husband was called out as a sexual deviant and an animal who could not be cured, social isolation was the only option.
Two women took pity on me. One sent me a private message telling me a very personal, very chilling story about her ex husband....and so much of her story sounded just like my own. She apparently thought she could control him, contain him. Could protect their children from him. But she was wrong. Again, another woman telling me my own worst fears.
In exasperation I wrote out a confession on Scary Mommy stating "Its estimated that 50-60% of pedophiles are married with children....so why do I feel like the only woman in the world who discovered her husband's secret shame? There must be others out there....but where?" and my confession received 4 OMG, Me Too!'s
I cautiously created an account and [without saying that I planned to stay married to Mike] I asked for the other women to please step forward, private message me or respond on the thread. No private messages but I was called "brave" by several women and then told a few heart-breaking stories of ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands who raped, molested, etc..
I had a feeling they wouldn't think I was so "brave" if they knew I wasn't divorcing him. I decided it was best not to upset them (nor myself) any further by trying to talk to them about it.
Then a break through. The second woman who had been so kind to me on Talk About Marriage referred me to another site which she said would have more like-minded persons. She didn't tell me much about her personal story. Just that her husband was a sex offender for some time and that his ten years on the list was up.
I created an account and I'm so glad I did. The only way to view the sub-forum "Loving a Sex Offender" is if you have an account so there is less judgement. People there are there for the same reasons. I think I finally found a place out in cyber space, where I belong.
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